I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
You Might Also Like
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell