I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

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ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.


The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.


Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions


Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.


Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!


Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.


My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.