@ReticentTurnip

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

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@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

@lovemydogduck

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

@mommeh_dearest

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@wendchymes

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

@Cornjerker78

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

@wildethingy

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.