I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.