I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
You Might Also Like
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
The Assassin.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.