I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.