I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
You Might Also Like
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*