i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.


My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.


there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry


Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.


Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”


*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack


[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?


It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.


thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.