@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

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@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@spinubzilla

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

@Tbone7219

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

@nerdcula

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@LizerReal

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.