i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Well, that didn’t work.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.