Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GrahamKritzer

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

@Triballistix

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@Just__J0

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

@SuperRandomish

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@SomeChrisTweets

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.