I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.