I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
You Might Also Like
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?