I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Generation gap…
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal