I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
tell em, edith-anne
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged