I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
*praying for world peace*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?