@Ivsy01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

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@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@dance_blessed

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@RobinMcCauley

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

@BoyfriendWhat

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@itsBABYSMITH

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@sofarrsogud

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles