I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
necessity is the mother of invention
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
BaD BoY!!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine