i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
(Jupiter –
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Cake safety first. Always.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.