I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!