I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel