I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
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[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Saturday
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.