I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
never compromise your values
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.