I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
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If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.