I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh