I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run