I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons