I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.