I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
whatcha thinkin bout