I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous