I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.


I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.


Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?


Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.


Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia


Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-


Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS


DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*


I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.


I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers


Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.