I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You Might Also Like
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles