I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!


Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.


You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.


After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.


We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.


If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.


Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes


Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks


Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.