@GreatestWeight

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

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@VerifiedDrunk

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

@SonOfCha

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

@RickAaron

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

@mxmclain

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@WifeEyeSignal

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.