I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.