I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.