I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love