Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Merica.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair