“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
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[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
At least try to make it slightly believable
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Good morning!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?