“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
j o i m p
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.