Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN