I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.