I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I thought this was funny lol
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day