“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*