I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.