I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.