I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.