I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
This is my bus stop.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo