I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.