I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Childbirth is so beautiful
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
the composer
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Finally!
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up