I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.