@StumblerTop

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

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@david8hughes

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@TheRolo

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

@teeaayyyy

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@dlicj

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@jojipaints

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.