I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Duolingo getting serious.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
*Inspirational Tweets*
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again