I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I missed you with all my darts
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.