I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
You Might Also Like
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Care for your back
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.