I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons