“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks