I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
You Might Also Like
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes