I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard