I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?