I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person