I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT